Since I’ve been so delinquent in my blogging for the past 2 months I’ve decided to give you the profound priviledge of reading some of my journals. Although I now see that it is hard to find anything that actually makes sense or is not too personal or offensive.
March 6, 2008
I just had a twinge of the longing to go home feeling. The wanting to crawl into to a shell. The wishing I was the lizard high on the church building, above the preacher’s fiery sermons, above judgements, stares, guilt. Just being. Living. Watching. The gravitational force enticing me towards hermithood – always there waiting, lurking. Am I naturally predisposed, hard-wired to withdraw? I have a feeling in old age there will be no stopping it. No counter-force of common sense, no drive for self-improvement, or approval. Maybe just a lack of energy, to balance the natural tendency to which I swing. I’ll just snap back, recoil like a spring into a retreated state. My years of molding and shaping against the grain come to nothing.
But I’m probably exaggerating a little. Today I’m just not looking forward to teaching a craft to 30 screaming, whining kids.
April 8, 2008
Today I was feeling a little low. A little angry. Then I realized it wasn’t 10 o’clock yet and I’d been told I was getting fat, my hair looked like a bird’s nest and I looked pale. PALE!!??? This is as brown as I get hun.
I know ‘fat’ doesn’t have the same negative connotations that it does at home, and many people actually aspire to have some ‘meat’ on them. But although I was at first pleased to find that the ideal for beauty here is not the skinnier, the better – I soon found out that similar to home – women’s bodies and looks are of constant attention and routinely objectified. What’s worse, people feel at liberty to make comments to you – not just behind your back! haha. When people make comments about my weight it immediately enrages me to want to do one of two things. Eat and ton and get really really fat – just as a big F (that stands for fudge) you, I don’t care what you think.. Or to stop eating completely and get super super skinny – also and a big F (fabulous) you, look what you made me do. Of course I know it’s ridiculous and I could never go through with either. Mostly because I know the biggest F (friendship) you of all is to actually really just love the way I am right now. But thats the hardest one isn’t it.
Weight is an issue. If I think about it, I’ve been trying to eat healthy, exercise and not gain weight since about grade 9. I’ve had the message that fat is bad, thin is good and will solve every last one of your problems and life will be perfect – force fed/shoved down my throat for the past 23 years. One year abroad in a country that is confusingly ambivalent about the issue and still has a strong Western thrust, is not going to change anything really, I shouldn’t be surprised. Nor should anybody be surprised that Jamaica hasn’t converted my psyche. I consider myself lucky that I don’t have an eating disorder.
suze, so far away! you write so well, it’s lovely to read. i just read this book that was a young canadian woman’s journal entries from a year she spent in thailand (“touch the dragon” by karen connelly) and your blog reminded me of that book. the same honesty and sense of feeling grateful for your experiences, while at the same time feeling lonely and frustrated sometimes. you should read it sometime.
also, friend, i also absolutely consider myself lucky to be eating-disorder-less. we should have a talk about this when you are home. I remember thinking, “if only i had the self-discipline to be anorexic” a LOT when i was a teenager. that’s a f-ed up perspective to have. this year i’ve done a lot of … consciously eliminating from my life the negative influences that are telling me i’ll be so much happier minus 10 or 20 pounds. i think women don’t talk about this half as much as we should, we all just walk around feeling ugly.
ok, rambling! i miss you! write more! have fun! get even more brown, brownie! and then come home with a backpack full of limes and mangoes.
love.
Sue! Today of course I think of you as I probably always will on each May 31 for the rest of my life! Happy birthday to you!
I love reading your writing and your ever so astute and sharp observations about life. Well done. You are quite gifted at what you’re putting out here, so thank you.
And … go well in these last weeks.
Love,
Melissa